Empty

Not only is that the way that I feel emotionally, I physically am empty. I can feel it, too. It's painful. The physical pain that had me curled up in a ball on the bed is gone, but I almost wish it would come back, because this hollow feeling and knowing that it's all over and there's nothing I can do to change that is devastating. As absolutely stupid, ignorant, and naive as it sounds, I NEVER thought that this would happen to me.

All of this has really gotten me thinking about the future. It's been slowly sinking in over the past two days what COULD HAVE BEEN reality.

I know C doesn't understand, he can't possibly understand, and I know he's trying to understand, but that's only mildly soothing. While being wrapped tightly in his arms and being assured that everything is going to be okay and that I'm not alone is somewhat comforting, I am completely alone to wonder what I did wrong.

I feel like I've had to grow up so fast over the past few weeks, months, and I'm scared to death. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and never wake up.

A Weekend with My Baby

In case you guys weren't aware of the fact that I'm hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, I am. This weekend almost reminds me of a look in to the future. He picked me up from home on Friday and we came back out to Athens to spend the night. We were both kind of sick, and being with him made me feel so much better. Getting to snuggle up to him and go to sleep made EVERYTHING so much better.

Waking up to him yesterday morning and kissing him goodbye before he went to work was simply beautiful. I wish I hadn't had to go back up to the room and watch cartoons and eat oatmeal alone, but I was content knowing he would be back after work. He called me on his breaks, making it impossible to stop thinking about him all day. When he finally got home- and by home I mean back to the dorm- we watched a little football before going to get some dinner. I payed, even though we're both broke. As far as last night goes, I was less broke. He drove out of the way even though he wanted pizza from across the street so we could get Sonic, because I love Sonic. After that, last night was magic. Again, woke up to him this morning, kissed him goodbye before he went off to work, and now here I am writing about him because I, once again, can't get him out of my mind.

It blows my mind every time I fall deeper in love with him, because I always think that I can't possibly love him any more, but then I do. Last night, he suggested we start looking in to getting a place together. Even though we have nothing figured out, that sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world to me. All I'm doing is going wherever life takes me, and I pray to Jesus that it takes me wherever Chris Nix is going.

Wish Upon a Star

Not that I NEED a wish right now, by any means, I just like to daydream sometimes. The holidays are coming up, my favorite time of the year. Don't get me wrong, I don't love the holiday's because of the presents. I love the holiday reason because of the love, the joy, the cheer, the music, the movies, the weather, the food, the friends, and the family. The fact that I STILL get excited just like I did when I was a little kid is just an added bonus. Last Christmas was by far the best Christmas I've ever had, but I've got a feeling that this one is going to be even better.

Now, let's just SAY that I could have anything in the world that I wanted for Christmas. I can? Well then, this is my wish list.

A Locket

I've wanted a locket for a while now. I'm not a huge fan of jewelry, but I LOVE lockets. I'm not actually picky at all about what KIND of locket, the traditional heart would be beautiful. This one is a bean shaped locket. Originally, I just thought it was cute and it kind of made me giggle. Then, I read the product description on Tiffany & Co.'s website and it made me want it SO BAD: "The bean represents the origin of all things." I like it! Bean locket, so cute! Like I said, I'm not a HUGE fan of jewelry, but I can appreciate something beautiful.

Some Panties

Remember when you were little and underwear was the EPITOME of sucky Christmas presents? Not any-freaking-more. I am a girl that can appreciate some cute underwear. Something most people don't know about me, when I'm having a really bad, stressful day, I buy new underwear. It makes me happy, and it makes me feel cute. These are just cute because they're Christmas themed, but really, I just like Victoria's Secret underwear.

Perfume/Body Spray/Lotion

I like it when people tell me I smell good. This is my smell, and I'm running out of it. SO, I'd like the body spray, perfume, AND the lotion, because then you smell good all the time.

Macbook

Please, oh please, oh please give me a Macbook for Christmas? Pretty please?

A Letter to My Everything

Christopher Cody Nix, since I haven't found the right moment to say all of this to your face yet, I'm going to put it here. You know I'm not exactly the best at talking. The words are in my head, I just can't get them in the right order to make sense coming out of my mouth. Here they are, though, in a semi-coherent, rambling, awkward love letter that took me way longer than I'd like to admit to write.

I don't think you know how wonderful you are for me. You may not be perfect, nobody is, but you're perfect for me. I'm making myself want to puke because I hate mushy stuff, but I'm serious. You're my best friend. If I could spend every second of my life with you, I would. You're beautiful, inside, and YES, outside too. And the sad thing is, as cocky as you act, I don't think you know that. You're gorgeous, and every time I look at you, as shallow as this is, I feel so lucky. I feel like I don't know how YOU ended up with ME, you're that kind of handsome. You're everything I could ever ask for, and I love you so much. Words can't even explain what you mean to me, you're my everything. You make me feel extraordinary, and you make my friends jealous. You always say the right thing, you complete me, and I'm a better person when I'm with you. I meant it when I said I never thought that anyone would make me feel the way you make me feel. Honestly, you're a piece of me. I can't wait to grow up, but not old, with you. Speaking of age, I love that I feel like a little kid with you. You make me that kind of happy. SO FREAKING HAPPY that I can let go of everything that I stress and worry about because I can just be with you. I hope I make you that kind of happy too. I love how comfortable I am with you. I love how your face lights up when I make you laugh. I love how your laugh sounds. I love how you make me forget how self conscious I am. I love how real you are. I love how, whenever anything happens to me, you're the first person that I tell. It's automatic. I love how I can't stay mad at you. I love the way you call me baby, even though you "weren't feelin'" that word at first. I love how much you amaze me. I love how proud I am of you, and I love the way that you motivate me to be a better person so that you can be proud of me too. I love that you know everything about me and take me the way I am. I love the way your mouth looks when we kiss and I pull away for a second. I love the way you say, "I love you too". I love the way our relationship works, it's exactly what I've always wanted. Baby, even though you won't read this ANY time soon, I love you and I mean that when I say it.

Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

Someday, I'll be livin' in a big ole' city,
And all you're ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me,
And all you're ever gonna be is mean.

To-Do List

10:30 AM- Today, this blog will serve as my motivation. I need it because so far this week, I've only gone to one class. Needless to say, I'm a bit behind. I've also spent the majority of this week sleeping, because I've been sick. SO, I'll be updating the blog today to keep me going. Here's the to-do list so far (In a semi-particular order.)

1) Go to Political Science lecture at 11:15
2) Come back to the dorm, hopefully by like 12:20?
3) Look over math stuff for the test
4) Catch a bus, go to math at 1:25, kick butt on test
5) Back to the dorm- Look at Taylor's paper?
6) Final draft of Bio for English portfolio
7) Get started on IRE (also for portfolio)-Come up with thesis: Analysis?
8) Maybe grab dinner with Haley?
9) Finish IRE
10) Do global warming writing topic for science, research for debate
11) Vocab for political science test
12) Start editing essay one for portfolio
13) Clean the dorm

Oh, it's gonna be a busy day. I'd better just go ahead and get pumped for it now. The funny thing is, this is one of the days that I get a late start. So all of this is going to be squeezed in to a pretty short amount of time, hopefully. I'd definitely like to get a decent amount of sleep tonight since I have a 9:30 class tomorrow.

Good news? Counting today, I have 8 more days of classes until Thanksgiving break! That's awesome, because I can't WAIT for a week off. It's kind of not awesome, however, because I'll more than likely be working my butt off until then. After break, I only have about a week and a half left of classes before finals start! Those end on the 15th of December and then I will have successfully completed my first semester of college! Hooray! So, it's crunch time. Also, I register for my classes for next semester a week from today! That's also exciting. AND I should probably get started working some time next week, which is ALSO ALSO exciting!

I can't believe how quickly this semester has gone by and how much everything has changed. I'm pretty happy with the way that everything's working out, so far at least, I'm just sayin: My life has changed QUITE a bit.

OH MY GOODNESS! I just realized Megan will be home over Thanksgiving break! Hopefully I'll get to see her too!

12:40 PM- Class one down, great success, realized I'm scheduling in time to pee and drink water. Heard a hilarious conversation regarding the difference between food poisoning and AIDS on the way back, I love college? I DON'T, however, love the comparison between abortion and child abuse displayed outside Tate- unnecessarily graphic. Alright, I'm about to head to catch a bus with Haley to my math class. I'll probably cram a tad bit before and then hopefully (Pleaseohplease, sweet baby Jesus) know what I'm doing. I've missed so many classes the past couple of weeks.

3:50 PM- Okay, done with classes, done eating, done with my bio. I've downloaded some music to hopefully get me through this wonderful night of homework I have ahead of me as well: Matt & Kim's Discography and Florence + the Machine's Lungs. Now, I'm gonna get all this global warming crap out of the way, and then probably clean for a bit while I watch Ellen? Sounds good? Taylor's candy gram made my day. ALSO, baby might be coming over? Good day after all? Maybe?

6:40 PM- Alright, rough draft of IRE done. Dorm, clean. ELC DOWN, WHAT? Yeah, no global warming stuff yet. Awesome, right? It's not a huge deal. I'm gonna go take a shower and hopefully it'll be fixed by the time I get out. What? Rachel? You're doing something that WASN'T on your to-do list?! Yeah, I forgot I needed to be clean. If ELC still isn't back from the dead when I get out, I'll probably look over Tay's paper for her, like I promised I would. Ima do it anyways, I just wanted to get all of my actual homework out of the way first. Alright, alright, shower time! Peace, blog-readers?

"Hey, I need to talk to you."

It's never exactly the most comforting way to start a conversation. But, hey! If nothing else, it instills the, "Shut the hell up, it's time for you to actually listen to me" mood.