Empty

Not only is that the way that I feel emotionally, I physically am empty. I can feel it, too. It's painful. The physical pain that had me curled up in a ball on the bed is gone, but I almost wish it would come back, because this hollow feeling and knowing that it's all over and there's nothing I can do to change that is devastating. As absolutely stupid, ignorant, and naive as it sounds, I NEVER thought that this would happen to me.

All of this has really gotten me thinking about the future. It's been slowly sinking in over the past two days what COULD HAVE BEEN reality.

I know C doesn't understand, he can't possibly understand, and I know he's trying to understand, but that's only mildly soothing. While being wrapped tightly in his arms and being assured that everything is going to be okay and that I'm not alone is somewhat comforting, I am completely alone to wonder what I did wrong.

I feel like I've had to grow up so fast over the past few weeks, months, and I'm scared to death. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and never wake up.