April 6, 2011

I know, it's been a while, but here I am. So much has been going on, and I've been so busy, busier that I've been in my whole life. And somehow, I've found the time to make the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not exaggerating at all either, it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I feel so alone, but I guess I deserve that. That's the worst part about all of this. I'm so lucky to still have Chris by my side, but despite that I still feel so lonely which makes staying in a relationship with him difficult. I want to be with him more than anything, because I can't let him go. The connection that I have with him is magical, and I didn't fully understand that until that night about a week and a half ago. I feel so whiny complaining about how I, of all people, am heartbroken when all's said and done. It's true, though, and only time will heal my soul. I'm upset because at the end of the day, I'm the only person who knows the true facts and feelings surrounding everything that happened that night, and I'm the one that has to live with what I did. I'm the one that has no control over how everyone else reacts to it. I'm the one who clearly sees that she could have VERY easily lost everything that night. Most of all, I'm the one who has to look back to how things were before that night and see that, as subtle as it may be, I DID lose something. It's like I can feel that the trust is missing now, I can feel the guilt running through my veins even though I don't consciously realize it, and I am constantly burdened by the question of whether or not I made a mistake.

Chris, if you ever read this, I hope you realize how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you. As selfish as it sounds, I never would have if I knew how badly it would break my heart. I love you with everything I have, and I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I pray to the god/gods that may or may not be there that you love me for the rest of my life, because I know that I'll always be in love with you. It's a feeling that I can't explain, and sometimes I wonder if it's what everybody feels or if what there is between us is really something special and different.

So, at the end of the day, I'm left with this question: Is this the storm before the calm, where I turn over a new leaf and we give each other a real second chance, or is this the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on?

(I hope I let you read this one day.)