Today was a beautiful day.
Even though I wasn't at Six Flags and instead got to work through my busiest day of the week, it really was wonderful.
First, I woke up to a phone call from my boyfriend, even though I didn't answer because I was still half asleep. I woke up, got ready, and headed off to class. I ate lunch with one of my favorite people, then I went to the rest of my classes. It ALWAYS makes me feel good about myself when I get everything done that I need to do. It ALWAYS makes me feel good when I get shit done. I hope I always remember that.
After that I went to work. This blog has not been graced with the presence of rant after rant about how much I hate being a cashier. Therefore, anyone who may be reading this has no way of truly comprehending how happy it made me that my manager had me working at Larry's today making sandwiches instead. I was SO HAPPY. I like working with other people instead of sitting at the register alone. Especially with the way I've been feeling lately, I need to be around other people as much as possible. I have a void to fill.
The beauty of the day? DOMINIC D-TRIX ADORABLENESS SANDOVAL IS A JUDGE ON ABDC THIS SEASON! I've missed having him in my life. Don't Google a picture, it doesn't do him justice.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
April 6, 2011
I know, it's been a while, but here I am. So much has been going on, and I've been so busy, busier that I've been in my whole life. And somehow, I've found the time to make the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not exaggerating at all either, it was the biggest mistake of my life.
I feel so alone, but I guess I deserve that. That's the worst part about all of this. I'm so lucky to still have Chris by my side, but despite that I still feel so lonely which makes staying in a relationship with him difficult. I want to be with him more than anything, because I can't let him go. The connection that I have with him is magical, and I didn't fully understand that until that night about a week and a half ago. I feel so whiny complaining about how I, of all people, am heartbroken when all's said and done. It's true, though, and only time will heal my soul. I'm upset because at the end of the day, I'm the only person who knows the true facts and feelings surrounding everything that happened that night, and I'm the one that has to live with what I did. I'm the one that has no control over how everyone else reacts to it. I'm the one who clearly sees that she could have VERY easily lost everything that night. Most of all, I'm the one who has to look back to how things were before that night and see that, as subtle as it may be, I DID lose something. It's like I can feel that the trust is missing now, I can feel the guilt running through my veins even though I don't consciously realize it, and I am constantly burdened by the question of whether or not I made a mistake.
Chris, if you ever read this, I hope you realize how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you. As selfish as it sounds, I never would have if I knew how badly it would break my heart. I love you with everything I have, and I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I pray to the god/gods that may or may not be there that you love me for the rest of my life, because I know that I'll always be in love with you. It's a feeling that I can't explain, and sometimes I wonder if it's what everybody feels or if what there is between us is really something special and different.
So, at the end of the day, I'm left with this question: Is this the storm before the calm, where I turn over a new leaf and we give each other a real second chance, or is this the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on?
(I hope I let you read this one day.)
I feel so alone, but I guess I deserve that. That's the worst part about all of this. I'm so lucky to still have Chris by my side, but despite that I still feel so lonely which makes staying in a relationship with him difficult. I want to be with him more than anything, because I can't let him go. The connection that I have with him is magical, and I didn't fully understand that until that night about a week and a half ago. I feel so whiny complaining about how I, of all people, am heartbroken when all's said and done. It's true, though, and only time will heal my soul. I'm upset because at the end of the day, I'm the only person who knows the true facts and feelings surrounding everything that happened that night, and I'm the one that has to live with what I did. I'm the one that has no control over how everyone else reacts to it. I'm the one who clearly sees that she could have VERY easily lost everything that night. Most of all, I'm the one who has to look back to how things were before that night and see that, as subtle as it may be, I DID lose something. It's like I can feel that the trust is missing now, I can feel the guilt running through my veins even though I don't consciously realize it, and I am constantly burdened by the question of whether or not I made a mistake.
Chris, if you ever read this, I hope you realize how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you. As selfish as it sounds, I never would have if I knew how badly it would break my heart. I love you with everything I have, and I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I pray to the god/gods that may or may not be there that you love me for the rest of my life, because I know that I'll always be in love with you. It's a feeling that I can't explain, and sometimes I wonder if it's what everybody feels or if what there is between us is really something special and different.
So, at the end of the day, I'm left with this question: Is this the storm before the calm, where I turn over a new leaf and we give each other a real second chance, or is this the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on?
(I hope I let you read this one day.)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I'm a Lennon-Lover
"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?"
A light bulb went off in my head when I was reading for my Educational Psychology class later in the day when this concept came up:
radical constructivism- The perspective that there is no reality or truth in the world, only the individual's perceptions and beliefs.
A light bulb went off in my head when I was reading for my Educational Psychology class later in the day when this concept came up:
radical constructivism- The perspective that there is no reality or truth in the world, only the individual's perceptions and beliefs.
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