My Voyage

This is how I see it. Life is like a voyage. No, you're not completely in control, the currents going to take you where the current's going to take you. You are in control, however, of putting both hands on the wheel, holding on as tight as you can, and steering the way that you want to go. When the sea's rough, you can't give up. You have to try and keep your ship on it's course.

Do You Hear Me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you. You live your day to day life comfortable with the person that you are because it's the only person you've ever been. You're comfortable with the fact that you're sane and that there's nothing wrong with you. Because come on, really? How would you even know?

You won't, until one day you're whole world comes crashing down. Something goes wrong, and suddenly all of the people around you who cared are telling you it's your fault. It's some flaw in YOUR personality. And, looking back, you realize, "Hey, it's kind of true." True, yes, maybe. But can you fix it? If it's the only way you've ever known to be, can you really fix it? What if you can't? I mean, really, if you have some terrible personality flaw and you're constantly hurting the people around you and you CAN'T fix it, what's the point? Of living I mean? Should you just end it right there, spare your "friends" and family the pain of having to continue to live with you as a part of their life? It's certainly a more reasonable solution that packing up and starting over somewhere new. OR, I mean since it's already bad, why not make it worse?

Well, this is what I did. My name is Bryn LaTrain, and this is my story, from the very beginning.

Heroes

"Even heroes need heroes sometimes, and even then strong need someone to tell them, 'It's alright.'" -Ne-Yo

Regret?

You know how a lot of annoying people like to say that they live life with no regrets? Okay, dumb. I believe in not sweating the small stuff, but you're going to make mistakes. BIG mistakes. And when you do, you're going to regret them. For example, changing my major from Early Childhood Education to Math Education.

Why do I regret it? Because I got scared and went with a SAFER degree program instead of sticking with the one that's going to make me happy in the end, even though it's going to be a little riskier along the way. Also, the next math class in the Early Childhood Education sequence is being taught by Dr. Sybilla Beckmann, the author of the textbook. She's amazing at what she does. The class I'm in right now was taught by her textbook, so I already feel like I've been in a class taught by her. She's worked on Sesame Street, and I just would LOVE to take this class. Bad news is, it's only open to Early Childhood Education majors.

Now, I just got back from Aderhold, and filling out a change of major form. I have to wait until that gets processed and then, hopefully, get my butt in to that class. If I can't, this will just be a hard lesson learned, I guess.

My words of wisdom, as cliche as they may be, are: "Do what makes you happy, people. Don't let ANYONE try to convince you that that isn't the 'smart' way to live your life. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Find your bliss and follow it."

dearblankpleaseblank.com

This website is pretty funny, considering I'm pretty sure I started this trend among my Facebook friends. You don't have to believe me, but I'm serious. I had a status last year that said: "Dear Falcons, If you could win today, that'd be great. Love, Rachel." LAST YEAR. I had never seen it before. I just thought it and then I Facebooked it. Somebody actually said something to me about it at school the next day. For real. I STARTED IT, PEOPLE. Okay, I'm done now. Oh, except this one cracked me up, because I do this sometimes, but I never thought about it.

"Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers,
If you do find one, what's your plan?
Sincerely,
Not very well thought out."

Funny stuff. Check it out, show some love:
dearblankpleaseblank.com

Blue Christmas, Schmue Shmistmas

It doesn't work, does it?

Anyways, this is what brings me to blog today, my little gumdrops. I've started making my sweet little playlist for this holiday season! I actually put a lot of thought in to these playlists, it's the soundtrack for my December! This isn't finalized yet, so I'll add, shuffle, and remove until I think it's PERFECT. Keep checking back! Happy Christmachankwanzakah, everyone!

1. Little Saint Nick- The Beach Boys
2. All I Want for Christmas is You- Mariah Carey
3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree- Brenda Lee
4. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year- Andy Williams
5. Blue Christmas- Elvis Presley
6. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow- Michael Buble
7. Santa Baby- Eartha Kitt
8. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays- *NSYNC
9. Santa Claus is Coming to Town- Jackson 5
10. Mele Kalikimaka- Bing Crosby & the Andrews Sisters
11. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas- Bing Crosby
12. Sleigh Ride- KT Tunstall
13. Carol of the Bells- Straight No Chaser
14. Jingle Bell Rock- Bobby Helms
15. What Christmas Means to Me- Hanson (Originally by Stevie Wonder. This is BY FAR my favorite Christmas song. I grew up listening to the Hanson version, so I prefer it. I wanted to pay homage to the great Stevie Wonder, though. His version is obviously great, too.)


*Christmas/Sarajevo/12/24- Trans-Siberian Orchestra (BEASTLY)
^ That one is special. If you take one song from this, make it this one.

MY Birds

I've been a Falcons fan for as long as I can remember. I was planning on doing this blog just to say how freaking proud I am of my boys and their 10-2 record. The Atlanta Falcons have always had a talent-packed team, it's nice to finally watch them making something out of it. Right now, they have the best record in the NFC and are, arguably, the best team in the NFL. That's ORIGINALLY what brought me to blog.



The reason I climbed off my dangerously lofted bed to rush to my computer and type as fast as my fingers possibly can fresh off of a Falcons win is just to let you all know that Brent Grimes is Superman. Mr. Grimes, if you ever read this, you're my hero.

Time to get down to business.

"..so you can see what you've been missing." Just kidding, that song's just stuck in my head. Welcome to a semi-productive Sunday. This is my favorite kind! I woke up early and "started the day off right" with my baby and drove his lazy butt 50 feet to his car, which was hilarious. Instead of going back to sleep, which is what I normally do once he leaves for work, I hopped in the shower and headed out to grab breakfast. After that, I went to pick up job applications. Now, I'm back at the dorm, filling out-ish said applications. I also have some homework to do and a Christmas present to work on. ALSO, I have a Falcons game to watch! Yay! So, here's my to-do list for the day, although it's been altered a lot since I made it since I keep coming up with things that I need to do.

Starbucks Application
Trader Joe's
Old Navy
Fix Ipod
Math Homework
FALCONS GAME
Rue 21/Blockbuster/Chuck-e-Cheese/Mall? Probably not.
Wells Fargo crap
Call Gamestop
Take out the Trash
Cleanish?
Christmas Presents!
Make Christmas Playlist!
Get some pizza from Little Caesars!

And the Christmas Countdown Begins!

23 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Can I get an "AMEN!"? I love this time of the year. It really does just put me in an amazing mood. You know what mood specifically? A loving mood, a tender mood, an understanding mood.

Oh
Yeah
Yeah
Candles buring low
Lots of mistletoe
Lots of snow and ice everywhere we go
Choirs singing carols right outside my door
All these things and more
All these things and more

That's what Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love

I see your smiling face like I've never seen before
Though I love you madly it seems I love you more
The little cards you give me will touch my heart for sure
All these things and more
All these things and more

That's what Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love

I feel like running wild
Those angels and a little child
I caught you 'neath the mistletoe
I kiss you once and then some more
I wish you a Merry Christmas baby
I wish you a Merry Chirstmas baby and a happy
Happy New Year
Oh

Let's deck the halls with holly singing Silent Night
Fill the trees with angel's hair and pretty
Pretty lights
Go to sleep and wake up just before daylight
All these things and more
All these things and more

That's what Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me

Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh

Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh

Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh

Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh

Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Christmas means to me my love
Christmas means to me my love

Can I Get a Refill?

I found myself staring at my "Empty" post this morning. I wanted so badly to delete it. I looked up at the title of the blog: "I have a story. Here it is." Everyone has a story. Everyone's story is well worth telling, my story included. I realized that I can't delete that small portion of my story. Instead, I need to move on, refill.

And that's where I am now, pursuing my refill. It's almost the end of the semester, my first semester of college. Today is my last day of Tuesday/Thursday classes. I just attended my last college English class and finished up my portfolio, so I'm done with that for the semester. Later today, I'll go take my Natural Resource Conservation final. After that, I'll be done with that class for the semester as well. My last Political Science breakout section is tomorrow morning. The last lecture for that class is on Monday. I have three days left in my Geometry for Elementary School Teachers class, my last day being next Tuesday. After that, I have my math final on the 10th and my Political Science final on the 15th. And that's all, folks. Done. Finished. Half way to being a sophomore. Sort of. This weekend, I'll get all of the rest of my homework for the semester done and then resume my job hunt. I'm really not getting enough hours at Gamestop, and I need money badly. I also really need to make a trip to Wells Fargo to fix my debit card situation. I'll be staying in Athens this weekend to save gas and get all of that done. I'll probably go home next Tuesday.

Anyways, as I stared blankly at my computer screen in my English class this morning, I realized how much I've learned this semester. I can easily hold a political conversation, make sense, and actually manage to sound intelligent. I actually considered a job working with natural resource conservation just because I never really realized that it was actually a job before, does that make sense? I can now write a DAMN good essay, thank you Mrs. Maher. I also realized that I want to be a math teacher. I've also grown up a lot, fallen in love, made some good new friends, lost a few bad old friends, and changed as a person. I won't say I'm completely in love with who I am and the decisions I've made. I also won't say I have any idea where I'll be in the future, but I'm kind of content with just figuring it out as I go along.

I also just re-read the post about spending the weekend with my baby-love a couple of weeks ago. It made me sad, because I've been so doubtful about the relationship lately. We've definitely had our share of problems. I just really don't want that to overshadow the fact that we've also had our share of amazing moments. I had the best Thanksgiving I've ever had this year, and it was all because of him. I think it's just scary for me to sit back and realize that he really is my EVERYTHING. It's extremely difficult for me to invest so much in to someone that I feel so uncertain about.

So now, I continue to make a conscious effort to refill. I just want to be happy again.

Empty

Not only is that the way that I feel emotionally, I physically am empty. I can feel it, too. It's painful. The physical pain that had me curled up in a ball on the bed is gone, but I almost wish it would come back, because this hollow feeling and knowing that it's all over and there's nothing I can do to change that is devastating. As absolutely stupid, ignorant, and naive as it sounds, I NEVER thought that this would happen to me.

All of this has really gotten me thinking about the future. It's been slowly sinking in over the past two days what COULD HAVE BEEN reality.

I know C doesn't understand, he can't possibly understand, and I know he's trying to understand, but that's only mildly soothing. While being wrapped tightly in his arms and being assured that everything is going to be okay and that I'm not alone is somewhat comforting, I am completely alone to wonder what I did wrong.

I feel like I've had to grow up so fast over the past few weeks, months, and I'm scared to death. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and never wake up.

A Weekend with My Baby

In case you guys weren't aware of the fact that I'm hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, I am. This weekend almost reminds me of a look in to the future. He picked me up from home on Friday and we came back out to Athens to spend the night. We were both kind of sick, and being with him made me feel so much better. Getting to snuggle up to him and go to sleep made EVERYTHING so much better.

Waking up to him yesterday morning and kissing him goodbye before he went to work was simply beautiful. I wish I hadn't had to go back up to the room and watch cartoons and eat oatmeal alone, but I was content knowing he would be back after work. He called me on his breaks, making it impossible to stop thinking about him all day. When he finally got home- and by home I mean back to the dorm- we watched a little football before going to get some dinner. I payed, even though we're both broke. As far as last night goes, I was less broke. He drove out of the way even though he wanted pizza from across the street so we could get Sonic, because I love Sonic. After that, last night was magic. Again, woke up to him this morning, kissed him goodbye before he went off to work, and now here I am writing about him because I, once again, can't get him out of my mind.

It blows my mind every time I fall deeper in love with him, because I always think that I can't possibly love him any more, but then I do. Last night, he suggested we start looking in to getting a place together. Even though we have nothing figured out, that sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world to me. All I'm doing is going wherever life takes me, and I pray to Jesus that it takes me wherever Chris Nix is going.

Wish Upon a Star

Not that I NEED a wish right now, by any means, I just like to daydream sometimes. The holidays are coming up, my favorite time of the year. Don't get me wrong, I don't love the holiday's because of the presents. I love the holiday reason because of the love, the joy, the cheer, the music, the movies, the weather, the food, the friends, and the family. The fact that I STILL get excited just like I did when I was a little kid is just an added bonus. Last Christmas was by far the best Christmas I've ever had, but I've got a feeling that this one is going to be even better.

Now, let's just SAY that I could have anything in the world that I wanted for Christmas. I can? Well then, this is my wish list.

A Locket

I've wanted a locket for a while now. I'm not a huge fan of jewelry, but I LOVE lockets. I'm not actually picky at all about what KIND of locket, the traditional heart would be beautiful. This one is a bean shaped locket. Originally, I just thought it was cute and it kind of made me giggle. Then, I read the product description on Tiffany & Co.'s website and it made me want it SO BAD: "The bean represents the origin of all things." I like it! Bean locket, so cute! Like I said, I'm not a HUGE fan of jewelry, but I can appreciate something beautiful.

Some Panties

Remember when you were little and underwear was the EPITOME of sucky Christmas presents? Not any-freaking-more. I am a girl that can appreciate some cute underwear. Something most people don't know about me, when I'm having a really bad, stressful day, I buy new underwear. It makes me happy, and it makes me feel cute. These are just cute because they're Christmas themed, but really, I just like Victoria's Secret underwear.

Perfume/Body Spray/Lotion

I like it when people tell me I smell good. This is my smell, and I'm running out of it. SO, I'd like the body spray, perfume, AND the lotion, because then you smell good all the time.

Macbook

Please, oh please, oh please give me a Macbook for Christmas? Pretty please?

A Letter to My Everything

Christopher Cody Nix, since I haven't found the right moment to say all of this to your face yet, I'm going to put it here. You know I'm not exactly the best at talking. The words are in my head, I just can't get them in the right order to make sense coming out of my mouth. Here they are, though, in a semi-coherent, rambling, awkward love letter that took me way longer than I'd like to admit to write.

I don't think you know how wonderful you are for me. You may not be perfect, nobody is, but you're perfect for me. I'm making myself want to puke because I hate mushy stuff, but I'm serious. You're my best friend. If I could spend every second of my life with you, I would. You're beautiful, inside, and YES, outside too. And the sad thing is, as cocky as you act, I don't think you know that. You're gorgeous, and every time I look at you, as shallow as this is, I feel so lucky. I feel like I don't know how YOU ended up with ME, you're that kind of handsome. You're everything I could ever ask for, and I love you so much. Words can't even explain what you mean to me, you're my everything. You make me feel extraordinary, and you make my friends jealous. You always say the right thing, you complete me, and I'm a better person when I'm with you. I meant it when I said I never thought that anyone would make me feel the way you make me feel. Honestly, you're a piece of me. I can't wait to grow up, but not old, with you. Speaking of age, I love that I feel like a little kid with you. You make me that kind of happy. SO FREAKING HAPPY that I can let go of everything that I stress and worry about because I can just be with you. I hope I make you that kind of happy too. I love how comfortable I am with you. I love how your face lights up when I make you laugh. I love how your laugh sounds. I love how you make me forget how self conscious I am. I love how real you are. I love how, whenever anything happens to me, you're the first person that I tell. It's automatic. I love how I can't stay mad at you. I love the way you call me baby, even though you "weren't feelin'" that word at first. I love how much you amaze me. I love how proud I am of you, and I love the way that you motivate me to be a better person so that you can be proud of me too. I love that you know everything about me and take me the way I am. I love the way your mouth looks when we kiss and I pull away for a second. I love the way you say, "I love you too". I love the way our relationship works, it's exactly what I've always wanted. Baby, even though you won't read this ANY time soon, I love you and I mean that when I say it.

Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

Someday, I'll be livin' in a big ole' city,
And all you're ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me,
And all you're ever gonna be is mean.

To-Do List

10:30 AM- Today, this blog will serve as my motivation. I need it because so far this week, I've only gone to one class. Needless to say, I'm a bit behind. I've also spent the majority of this week sleeping, because I've been sick. SO, I'll be updating the blog today to keep me going. Here's the to-do list so far (In a semi-particular order.)

1) Go to Political Science lecture at 11:15
2) Come back to the dorm, hopefully by like 12:20?
3) Look over math stuff for the test
4) Catch a bus, go to math at 1:25, kick butt on test
5) Back to the dorm- Look at Taylor's paper?
6) Final draft of Bio for English portfolio
7) Get started on IRE (also for portfolio)-Come up with thesis: Analysis?
8) Maybe grab dinner with Haley?
9) Finish IRE
10) Do global warming writing topic for science, research for debate
11) Vocab for political science test
12) Start editing essay one for portfolio
13) Clean the dorm

Oh, it's gonna be a busy day. I'd better just go ahead and get pumped for it now. The funny thing is, this is one of the days that I get a late start. So all of this is going to be squeezed in to a pretty short amount of time, hopefully. I'd definitely like to get a decent amount of sleep tonight since I have a 9:30 class tomorrow.

Good news? Counting today, I have 8 more days of classes until Thanksgiving break! That's awesome, because I can't WAIT for a week off. It's kind of not awesome, however, because I'll more than likely be working my butt off until then. After break, I only have about a week and a half left of classes before finals start! Those end on the 15th of December and then I will have successfully completed my first semester of college! Hooray! So, it's crunch time. Also, I register for my classes for next semester a week from today! That's also exciting. AND I should probably get started working some time next week, which is ALSO ALSO exciting!

I can't believe how quickly this semester has gone by and how much everything has changed. I'm pretty happy with the way that everything's working out, so far at least, I'm just sayin: My life has changed QUITE a bit.

OH MY GOODNESS! I just realized Megan will be home over Thanksgiving break! Hopefully I'll get to see her too!

12:40 PM- Class one down, great success, realized I'm scheduling in time to pee and drink water. Heard a hilarious conversation regarding the difference between food poisoning and AIDS on the way back, I love college? I DON'T, however, love the comparison between abortion and child abuse displayed outside Tate- unnecessarily graphic. Alright, I'm about to head to catch a bus with Haley to my math class. I'll probably cram a tad bit before and then hopefully (Pleaseohplease, sweet baby Jesus) know what I'm doing. I've missed so many classes the past couple of weeks.

3:50 PM- Okay, done with classes, done eating, done with my bio. I've downloaded some music to hopefully get me through this wonderful night of homework I have ahead of me as well: Matt & Kim's Discography and Florence + the Machine's Lungs. Now, I'm gonna get all this global warming crap out of the way, and then probably clean for a bit while I watch Ellen? Sounds good? Taylor's candy gram made my day. ALSO, baby might be coming over? Good day after all? Maybe?

6:40 PM- Alright, rough draft of IRE done. Dorm, clean. ELC DOWN, WHAT? Yeah, no global warming stuff yet. Awesome, right? It's not a huge deal. I'm gonna go take a shower and hopefully it'll be fixed by the time I get out. What? Rachel? You're doing something that WASN'T on your to-do list?! Yeah, I forgot I needed to be clean. If ELC still isn't back from the dead when I get out, I'll probably look over Tay's paper for her, like I promised I would. Ima do it anyways, I just wanted to get all of my actual homework out of the way first. Alright, alright, shower time! Peace, blog-readers?

"Hey, I need to talk to you."

It's never exactly the most comforting way to start a conversation. But, hey! If nothing else, it instills the, "Shut the hell up, it's time for you to actually listen to me" mood.

NaNoWriMo, Never Mind.

I'm going to do it. Check back starting on Halloween. I'm pumped! Okay, so November came and I wasn't ready to do NaNoWriMo. Maybe I'll wait until next year, maybe I'll just do it another month, maybe I'll take my time, maybe I'll NEVER write a book: Bottom line is, right now, there's just too much on my plate already. I didn't want to delete this post though, so I'm kind of totally changing the point of it.

November certainly doesn't leave me with NOTHING to smile about! I've officially been a vegetarian for a year! I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it, and it's been surprisingly easy. I don't crave meat. And even better- while everyone else is packing on the "freshman 15", I haven't gained a pound and we're almost half way through the year!

ALSO, Fall/Winter and the holiday season is my absolute FAVORITE time of the year. It just puts me in a good mood, and I can't wait to spend it with my baby.

Speaking of my baby, Chris Nix, you're the biggest reason I have to smile, and I love you.


Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying


Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard


I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh


They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will


I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday


And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

[Colbie]
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now


I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Heartbreak

They don't call it that for no reason. "Windowpane"? That was stupid, Eminem, and I hope you didn't write that line.

For real though, heartbreak does suck, and it does hurt.

When everything you worked so hard to do got taken advantage of? That sucks too, and leads to the heartbreak.

When the one you normally look to for comfort, the one that you normally want to snuggle up against while they rub your back and tell you that everything is okay, is the one who hurt you this time? Yeah, that sucks more, and causes the heartbreak.

So what do you do? You go out and have a good day. By the grace of sweet baby Jesus himself you accidentally leave your phone in your cousin Clay's car and actually enjoy yourself at the Falcons game instead of constantly checking your phone. When you get back to the car and read your missed text messages, it's kind of okay that you didn't get them. When your phone rings in the car on the way home, you're comfortable with the fact that you didn't answer it. Gorshdamnit, you had a good day, you're NOT going to let it be ruined now.

I, once again, ask the question: "Was it love or was it just easy?"

Hell no, it wasn't easy. You just got told that your lover and your best friend all wrapped in to one with a ribbon on it lied to you for a month even though he knew it would hurt you in the end. You feel stupid, everybody knew except you, and you defended him.

Wow, you're dumb. You deserve to feel the way you do.

Where do you go from here?

You don't know, you just don't know.

It Makes Me Smile

Sitting in my class this afternoon, FANR 1100, when I should have been paying attention to the guest lecturer talk about wildlife management, an uncontrollable smile expanded across my face. I know, I probably looked like a crazy person, sitting there and smiling to myself, but I don't care. Do you know why? I finally realized that finally, after all of these years, I have so many reasons to smile.

Solemates

You actually had a good idea, so write this. You were supposed to write it today, but then you got worried and didn't feel like it. No big deal, just remember to write it down some day.

Worrying, Worrying.

So, I've never been much of a worrier. Not about people at least. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends, but I've never been legitimately WORRIED about any of them. I just rest assured that everything's going to be alright.

I was working on my English homework a little while ago and I had this nagging feeling that wouldn't go away. It was a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and an annoying voice somewhere in my subconscious whispering, "Hey, you, something's wrong..." and then fading off to nothing before I could hear the rest of what it had to say. It's honestly a feeling that I've never had before. I didn't know how to deal with it. Then it struck me: I'm worried about Chris.

I talked to Chris as I started my drive back to Athens today, he was on his way HOME from Athens. He said he wasn't "feeling" talking on the phone while driving and that he would call me when he got home, which was honestly fine with me. I'm a bad enough driver to begin with, I don't need any distractions. I was also bummed that I wouldn't get to see him today, and I didn't want that to come of as "I'm pissed that you're not staying in Athens to see me".

The catch is, I haven't talked to him since then. I know that he needed to take a shower. He made his infamous "I smell like fried chicken and butthole" remark. So then, maybe he decided to lay down for a little bit, and maybe he fell asleep. That's what I hope, because I texted him looking for some sort of reassurance and got nothing but a reminder that my fear may be completely legitimate. Maybe something really is wrong. I'd love to say that I've gotten a response while writing this, but I haven't. I'm still obsessively checking a phone with no new text messages.

The scary part is that he means everything to me. And if something did happen to him- please God don't let something have happened to him- he might not know it yet, and that makes my heart hurt.

Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, my love is okay. Oh, and suddenly everything else is, too.

Tranquilized

"Was it love or was it just easy?"

God, it's certainly not easy, but I'm not totally sure it's love either. I shouldn't have come home last night. I should have stayed with him. Because I can't trust him. And it's slowly driving me absolutely crazy.

Mumford & Sons

This band will, I think, forever remind me of my love, regardless of what actually comes of our relationship. We both started listening to the band at the same time, so we've grown to like them at the same time, and I actually really like them, a lot. Last night, we had a conversation that probably saved us, for now at least, to the tune of "Sigh No More". The CD was the soundtrack to the evening, which probably ended up being one of the best I've ever had with him.

In a lot of ways, he and I are so similar.

"I'm a lot like you". He feels like the missing piece that I never knew was missing. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm alone in the sense that I feel like I don't have anything to hide. He makes me feel safe, makes me feel warm and cozy, makes me feel happy, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel perfect, makes me feel like I never want him to leave.

That's why the conversation yesterday, although unavoidable, was one that I definitely didn't want to have.

He asks gently, "Is this about yesterday?"

"Yeah," I can feel myself choking up.

Silence. I don't want to look at him, even though he's no more than two inches to my left, I focus on the blinds, the shadow that they're casting on the bay window as the street lights come on outside. His arm lays protectively and gently over my stomach.

"It just got me thinking. If this is something that's always going to bother me, what's the point?"

His turn now. I've said what I have to say. Please understand what I'm saying.

"Of what?" Crap, he doesn't. "Please don't say, 'Of us.'" Okay, he does.

"Yeah."

"I don't want to lose you."

We lay quiet for a while. I glance over at him, he's not looking at me, instead he's focusing on something ahead, the wall, or maybe the same window I had been looking at. I run my fingers over his hand, trying to tell him I don't want to let him go without having to say a word.

"I don't want to quit. Well, I do. I would love for you to quit, really. But who the hell am I to tell you what to do, you know? I came in to this knowing it was something you do, I just didn't know it would bother me this bad."

"Do you think it's something we can work through?"

"I don't know."

"I hope so."

"I know."

"Keep me in the loop on this, I don't want to be blindsided by a break-up."

My turn to be silent. He sounds okay with it, breaking up, I mean.

"I mean, if you're looking for a way out of this, be real with me. Just tell me you want out." What?

"Like right now?" That came out a little louder than I wanted it to.

"I mean, yeah." He was quieter.

A pause. "I don't want to leave you, baby."

He's quiet for a moment, and then firmly pulls me closer, "The idea's got me tearing up."


Feel the Tide plays in the background:
"But you and I now
We can be alright
Just hold on to what we know is true."

So what's the truth? I don't ever want to be without him again. Point/counterpoint.

The Knife Thrower

It's been quite some time. So what brings me to blog today? My English 1102 assignment. Let me point out, I do not like this class. I dread it every Tuesday and Thursday morning. Through high school I was a pretty good english student. I like to read, and I like to write, so it all worked. For this class, however, I do the absolute minimum. I'm sorry, but writing "at least 350 words" about dull topics about the same short stories I've been reading over and over for the past four years doesn't exactly spark my interest. Throw me something creative, however, and you might have given me something to work with.

As soon as I got my second essay assignment of the semester, it sparked my interest. I'm not going to lie, it worried me, it's challenging, but I was also excited to get to work, in a totally nerdy, weird way.

The first part of our assignment was to choose any short story we've read thus far and edit one element of it to create a meaningful change in the theme. I chose "The Knife Thrower" but Steven Millhauser because the story peaked my interest to begin with. Unfortunately, I can't give you guys a link or anything to the story, I tried. You could look it up though! It's worth your time.

Anyways, I just finished my change, and I'm getting restless. Here's what I ended up with:

I decided to make my change to “The Knife Thrower” by Steven Millhauser. My change takes place in Paragraph 38, which begins with, “She led the girl to the black wooden partition”.

The dark woman led the girl to the black wooden partition and then walked back to the table at the rear of the stage and removed the same object that she had used to hold Thomas' arm in place, two of them this time. She then walked back to the girl and began to work slowly and gently at fastening both of her wrists to the wood, confining her, as if she may change her mind and decide to run away. She had made her choice. The dark woman stepped back and appeared to assess her arrangement, after which she crossed to the back of the stage. At this point some of us had confused thoughts of calling out, of demanding an explanation, but we didn't know what it was we might be protesting, and in any case the thought of distracting Hensch's throw, of perhaps causing an injury, was repellent to us, for we saw that already he had selected a knife. It was a new kind of knife, or so we thought, a longer and thinner knife. And it seemed to us that things were happening in slow motion, up there on the stage, as if Hensch was teasing us with the suspense. It was as if the master was giving us time to think about whether or not we really wanted to see what we had all come to see. Now that is was time for him to live up to his reputation, he seemed to beg us to stop him, knowing that we would say nothing. We all sat completely still, not even breathing, our eyes glued to the master. The dark woman was no longer in sight. The lights had slowly began to dim, it was almost completely dark. Finally, we could see nothing at all. The vividly white spotlight shone on the girl, positioned exactly the way that the dark woman had left her. None of us knew how long ago that had been. Laura stood out, pale as chalk, staring straight ahead. Slowly, the reddish spotlight shone on Hensch. Slowly, Hensch drew back his hand. For one last moment, we all thought about stopping him, about yelling out, but then it was too late. In one lightning fast motion, Hensch threw the final knife of the show and the reddish spotlight disappeared, leaving only Laura for our eyes to focus on.

Some of us heard the girl cry out, others were struck by her silence, but what stayed with all of us was the absence of the sound of the knife striking wood. Instead there was a softer sound, a more disturbing sound, a sound almost like silence, and some said the girl looked down, as if in the same stupid surprise we were all in. Others claimed to see in her face, in the expression of her eyes, a look of rapture. As her head hung forward, the lights came on, and once again the whole stage was in view. The girl was left, crucified, on the black wooden partition as we all stared in dumb horror. The dark woman stepped forward and swept her arm toward the knife thrower, who for the first time turned to acknowledge us. And now he bowed: a deep, slow, graceful bow, the bow of a master, down to his knees. Slowly the dark red curtain began to fall.

Oh, Brother.

So, I'm really very happy right now, right? The guy I've had feelings for for longer than I'd like to admit is crazy about me. Telling all his friends about me. I mean his friends from down in Florida want to meet me because they say they can already tell he's changing. For ME.

So, I'm ecstatic, right?

After a day of supposedly "taking things slow", he decided he wanted us to make it official. If that's what I wanted. Of course it was, right?

I don't know. I just don't know.

The University of Georgia

Just checking in. I'm still here, I promise. I'm leaving to go to my first class of the day in about fifteen minutes. I love college, AY! That song's been stuck in my head for days! Okay, since I probably won't write again for a while, here's the rest of my week and my weekend.



Week: Homework, homework, homework. Find time to eat and go to the gym once or twice.

Friday Night: PHI SLAM! Mega Metallic Mania Crazy Chrome Insania!

Saturday: UL LAFAYETTE! GO DAWGS!

Sunday: Shelby and JR? Hopefully?

Monday: Relax, hopefully get to work on the homework I've neglected all weekend. Maybe visit home?

Then, it's back to the daily grind. Maybe I'll post on Tuesday. I'd like to write something creative? Have an amazing week and weekend guys, I love you!

"I admit I have been lax.."

I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with blogging since the whole college thing started. I've been so amazingly busy.



For starters, this is the town that I now call home. I'm not there right now, I missed real home too much. I do really like it there, though. I'm sure I'll grow to absolutely love it over time, too. Right now, it's a bit overwhelming. I really want to be a part of the honors program next semester, so I'm busting my butt this semester. I'll leave you with a song.

On the corner of main street
Just trying to keep it in line
You say you wanna move on and you say I'm falling behind

Can you read my mind
Can you read my mind

I never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town
I got the green light
I got a little fight
I'm gonna turn this thing around

Can you read my mind
Can you read my mind

The good old days
The honest man
The restless heart
The promised land
A subtle kiss that no one sees
A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well
I don't mind if you don't mind 'cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go can you read my mind

It's funny how you just break down waiting on some sign
I pull up to the front of your driveway with magic soaking my spine

Can you read my mind
Can you read my mind

The teenage queen
The loaded gun
The drop dead dream
The chosen one
A southern drawl
A world unseen
A city wall and a trampoline

Oh well
I don't mind if you don't mind 'cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you jump tell me what you find when you read my mind

Slipping in my faith until I fall
He never returned that call
Woman
Open the door
Don't let it stay
I wanna breathe that fire again

She said
I don't mind if you don't mind 'cause I don't shine if you don't shine

Put your back on me
Put your back on me
Put your back on me

The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun
Can you read my mind

Friday, August 13, 2010

I have SO many reasons to smile right now:

1. I'm at home in Athens! I'm all moved in to my dorm room, lounging in my semi-comfy butterfly chair and watching ESPN as I type. It's great here, and I love it A LOT. The food is great, the buses aren't as confusing as the hype makes them seem, my bed is comfy, the people are friendly, and you get a pretty decent workout everywhere you go. I repeat, I LOVE IT HERE.

2. One of my best friends, who's been a state away for years, is about to finally be within an hour of me. 'Nuff said.

3. I have a Falcons game to watch tonight. Yay! I've missed football, leave me alone.

4. I'm taking a VERY positive step towards getting a job! I went job searching yesterday at the mall. I'm really hoping for a shot at a job at Earthbound, GameStop, Target, or maybe Barnes & Noble. Really, I'd be happy with a job ANYWHERE.

5. FREEEEEDOM! Again, 'nuff said.

Right now? I'm curled up under my favorite blanket in my chilly dorm room. I'm really sleepy, and I'm not feeling very well. My voice is going. I'm also roommate-less for the night. Taylor's car broke down on the loop on her way home from work. I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to make my way home for the weekend. My car needs a new muffler, and my great grandmother's birthday party is on Sunday. Sunday evening, it's back here for classes to start on Monday. Needless to say, I couldn't be more excited about my future beginning.

Cousin

Jackson 9:47 pm
when I was away

i met a man who claimed he could go around the whole world in one day while driving a car

tried it several times
...
the point is

he blamed the cars for his failure, he never accepted the fact that what he was trying to do...was impossible

i admire that

"Can't you see it's killing me?

I'm my own worst enemy.
Knock me down, I'll keep on moving.
It's the art of losing."

"One, two, fuck you.
Don't tell me what to do.
I don't want to be like you."

Just a piece of inspiration. I'll use this later.

If You Really Knew Me

I don't know how many of you have seen the show called "If You Really Knew Me" on MTV, but it's my new favorite. I really can't describe the show to you, I tried just now, but I deleted it all, because I can't.

I'm brought to blog today because the show inspired me to tell you, my readers, what you would know if you really knew me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I come from a divorced family. Often, I've felt caught between my parents. Now I realize that BOTH of my parents put me through things a kid should never have to go through. I'm not saying they aren't good parents, I wouldn't ask for anyone else, but I don't want to be like them when I have kids.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I suffer with or have suffered with extreme self image problems, self injury, eating, depression, and anxiety issues.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I can't be in a relationship because I'm uncomfortable with it. I can't trust that someone is attracted to me or thinks I have a good personality.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I struggle with these things every day.

Thank you for reading. I love you. What would I know if I really knew you?

My Stand

"It's not how I stand, but where I stand." Oh Justin Nozuka, I'd marry you right here, right now.

Love is the Answer,

My favorite verse from my favorite love song! This is so beautiful that it practically brings tears to my eyes:

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard;
No song that I could sing,
But I can try for your heart.
Our dreams, they are made out of real things,
Like a shoe box of photographs
With sepia tone loving.
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart.
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving.
I'll tell you one thing,
It's always better when we're together.

Reading List

Self-explanatory. These are the books on my list. The ones with a sunshine next to them are the ones I've read. Get it? Got it? Good. If I add more books to my mental list, I'll add them here, so check back if you want to read with me!

[☼] The Stand- Stephen King
[ ] Wicked- Gregory Maguire
[ ] Bag of Bones- Stephen King
[ ] Pet Sematary- Stephen King
[ ] Of Mice and Men- John Steinbeck
[ ] And Then There Were None- Agatha Christie
[ ] Jurassic Park- Michael Crichton
[ ] Coraline- Neil Gaiman
[ ] The Memory Keeper's Daughter- Kim Edwards
[ ] Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden
[ ] Life of Pi- Yann Martel
[ ] The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring- J.R.R. Tolkien
[ ] The Lovely Bones- Alice Sebold
[ ] The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
[ ] Skinny- Ibi Kaslik
[☼] Ender's Game- Orson Scott Card
[ ] My Sister's Keeper- Jodi Picoult
[ ] The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy- Douglas Adams
[ ] Everything's Eventual: 14 Dark Tales- Stephen King
[ ] The Green Mile- Stephen King
[ ] Fight Club- Chuck Palahniuk
[ ] Angela's Ashes- Frank McCourt
[ ] The Shining- Stephen King
[☼] Youth in Revolt: The Journals of Nick Twisp- C.D. Payne
[ ] A Million Little Pieces- James Frey
[ ] The Da Vinci Code- Dan Brown
[ ] The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo- Stieg Larsson
[ ] The Black Dahlia- James Ellroy
[☼] The Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger
[ ] Haunted- Chuck Pahlahniuk
[ ] Angels & Demons- Dan Brown

Books to Buy:
Churched: One Kid's Journey Toward God Despite a Holy Mess- Matthew Paul Turner
Watership Down- Richard Adams
Flowers for Algernon- Daniel Keyes
A Wrinkle in Time- Madeleine L'Engle
The Virgin Suicides- Jeffrey Eugenides

Concerning the Sun

"It's not too bad when the sun's out, but then sun only comes out when it feels like coming out."

Awkward

Have you ever noticed how awkwardly awkward is spelled? I have, but I notice those kinds of things.

Take your hands off of the wheel.

Take a step back.
Take a deep breath.
Let life happen.
Renounce control, hand it over to chance.

Go Veg!

I've always been an animal lover, but I'd never really thought of meat as being an animal before. One day, I realized that I couldn't really say that I loved animals and eat meat at the same time, knowing how factory farms are run. I made the decision to become a vegetarian, and I've been going strong for nine months now.

These are common questions/remarks I get:

Q: What do you eat?
A: I eat anything that doesn't contain meat product. The most important thing is eating plenty of food that's rich in protein. Eggs, milk, nuts, and beans are extremely important. Other than that, I eat what you eat, minus the meat. I do like SOME meat substitutes. For example, Morning Star Farms makes some freaking delicious spicy "chicken" nuggets.

Q: Don't you ever crave/miss meat?
A: This answer is plain and simple: No.

Q: You'll go back to eating meat eventually.
A: No, I really don't think I will.

Q: I could never do that.
A: Yes, you could! I'd be more than willing to help you out.

Q: What do you get when you eat out?
A: Something meatless. More than often, I just don't eat out. When I do, Mexican, Italian, and pizza are always pretty easy. At Subway, you can get a veggie sandwich (yummy) or even a veggie patty. At Taco Bell there are TONS of vegetarian options. Panera Bread and Atlanta Bread Company also offer plenty of choices for vegetarians.

Q: Are you doing this for health reasons or moral reasons?
A: I became a vegetarian for moral reasons, because I refuse to support animal cruelty. However, it's scientifically proven that vegetarians are healthier than their meat-eating counterparts. Vegetarians are 50% less likely to develop heart disease, 40% less likely to develop cancer, and are nine times less likely to be obese. The actual reason I'm a vegetarian: Every life is precious.


Please, think before you eat. Animals are our friends, not food.

"If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is just stop eating meat. That's the single most important thing you could do. It's staggering when you think about it. Vegetarianism takes care of so many things in one shot: ecology, famine, cruelty."-Paul McCartney

"I want to,

I want to be someone else or I'll explode."

Preferably someone skinny.
Preferably someone pretty.

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

Okay, I'm going future shopping. There is nothing quite as nice as being full of cheese pizza, watching "Say Yes to the Dress", the sound of heavy rain echoing in the fireplace as thunder rumbles in the distance, and dreaming about your future. I'm going to build my future in pictures right here, down to the last shallow detail.



Go to as many UGA home football games as possible while I attend the school. Sit in the student section, scream until my throat is raw, and discover how great it really is to be a Georgia Bulldog. Have the time of my life in college, study hard, and make tons of friends that I'll keep for life. Soak everything in and become my own person.




Graduate from The University of Georgia at Sanford Stadium in 2014 as an honors student with a degree in Early Childhood Education. Watch the fireworks as tears stream down my face with my family cheering me on from the stands as I feel a humble kind of pride swelling in my chest.



Find a genuinely good, maybe even a little nerdy, guy. I've always been sort of attracted to the nerdy guys, especially when they still manage to be really attractive. The ideal nerdy guy I have in my head is a Topher Grace kind of guy: Smart, cute, quirky, funny, sweet.



Join the Peace Corps and work with under privileged children in a third world country. I'd love to go somewhere in Africa. If I'm married before this, it would be ideal to experience it with my husband, if not that's fine too.



Use the money from my time in the Peace Corps for a European vacation. I've always wanted to go to beautiful Venice, Italy. I also want to go to Athens, Liverpool, London, Paris, and Bavaria, Germany to visit Neushcwanstein Castle, the inspiration for Sleeping Beauty's castle at Disneyland! If I'm already married, my sweetheart can come too!



The beautiful creation above is my dream engagement ring. Of course, unless my husband-to-be is extremely wealthy it may a bit out of reach. The point is, I want something very classic. Honestly, it doesn't even have to be a real diamond, I just really like this cut. The ring is beautiful. I also just want something from Tiffany & Co. at some point in my life. I'm not a materialistic girl, I just really want that one thing. Sue me.

WEDDING TIME!

I want to get married in a beautiful old country church, but one that's big enough for all of my family and friends as well as my sweetheart's. I want a big wedding, and I mean BIG. An outdoor wedding is also completely possible. I would love that! Just me, all my friends and family, my baby, and a big ole' open field! Either way, as you can probably tell, I want to keep the location of my wedding pretty simplistic. I think simplicity is beautiful. It helps to keep your eyes on what's really important at a wedding- the union of two families thanks to love.



First of all, my ideal dress. I want my wedding to be some time in the Spring. Some time around Easter would be wonderful. I want my dress strapless, because I like my freckled shoulders. I want something extremely classic and timeless, and this one is perfect. I literally stopped looking when I saw this one, it's beautiful and I love it and I want something like this. I'll wear my tri-color pearls with it with some matching earrings, and my hair will be up in some sort of up do showing off my natural curls, and I'll keep my makeup simple and natural. If I, for some reason, ended up with a fall wedding, I'd really want a long sleeved dress. I know it seems outdated, but I really like them. Long, lace sleeves, beautiful.



I want this for my wedding band. I love how it looks with the ring, love it!







I want the first picture to be my bouquet! Yellow is my favorite color, and sunflowers are my favorite flower. I love the way the yellow roses look with the sunflowers. I also really feel like this could easily be a fall or spring bouquet. The other two pictures show what I'd like as far as decorating goes. As far back as I can remember, I've always loved yellow and purple together. There are so many choices as far as yellow and purple flowers go! I just can't pass it up. I'd really like beautiful arrangements of fresh flowers all over the place, during the wedding and for the reception.



I want all of my bridesmaids to pick their own style of dress. Basically, I just want all of them to be short, and I don't really want any of them to be strapless. I could probably live with it if Steph wanted her's strapless or something, though. I want none other than Stephanie Leigh Putnam to be my maid of honor. I want Kate Towery and Megan Foote in the group as well, with someone that I maybe haven't met yet rounding out the bridal party. Their bouquets will all include both purple and yellow flowers.

For a cake, I couldn't really find a picture of one that matched what I wanted. I want something simple and white, maybe decorated with sunflowers and little edible pearls.


As far as music goes, I want "Songs for Swingin' Lovers" played, and I want our first dance to be to "My One and Only Love".



For my honeymoon, I want to go to Disney World. I've never been, so that'll make the experience even more magical. I want the little bride and groom Mickey and Minnie hats, I want to kiss in the teacups, I want to kiss under the fireworks over Cinderella's castle, I want something magical.



I want to teach elementary school, and I want to go observe at Ron Clarke Academy.




I want to live and work in New York City but leave before it makes me hard. I want to experience the magic of Times Square at Christmas time and see the statue of liberty in person. I want to be a northerner for a little while in a nice little cozy apartment in the big apple.




I want to live in Northern California once but leave before it makes me soft. More specifically, I want to live in beautiful San Francisco. I want to live in a sweet little townhouse like the one the Tanner family lived in in Full House. I want to travel across the Golden Gate Bridge on my way to work. I want to swim in the Pacific Ocean and experience the West Coast lifestyle.



I want to visit the Olympic Peninsula and see the beautiful rainforests that the United States has to offer. Maybe I'd even like to live in Seattle, with it's rainy weather and musical atmosphere.



A beautiful big pregnant belly! Once my husband and I have had four or five years to experience life as a couple. I want three or four kids that aren't too far apart in age. I want to sing "Kids" by MGMT to them, read Dr. Seuss books with them, and protect their beautiful innocence and sense of wonder.

So that's it. That's my future! At least, what I want to be my future, and I think I can make it happen, with the right man of course.

Tour Guide Barbie!

Alright, the move is all done. For newbies, I used to have three separate blogs. "Imagine" was the first blog I made, a place for me to grow creatively. I added "Things I Can Dig" to the mix, so I could have a place for book, movie, and music reviews. I added "Dear Diary" last, a place especially for my daily ramblings. Turns out, that was too much, and I started to wish that everything was just all in one place. I decided earlier this week that I would combine all three blogs in to one again, and it turned out to be more work than I expected.

Adding all of the blogs together in the first place wasn't really the problem, it was finding a new look and web address to tie the three together! I decided to stick with "rachelimagines" for the URL, mainly because it's a neutral title. Finding a background proved to not be quite so easy. I'm pretty sure I've gone through at least five or six backgrounds and I've even tried my hand at creating some of my own. I finally found something I could stick with, so I decided it was time for my official "first post" of this blog!

I've put A LOT of work in to this, and I'll continue to put a lot of work in to this, so I want all of you guys, the loyal readers and/ or new readers, to know about all of the features I've put in to it.



"I'm Tour Guide Barbie! Please keep your hands, arms, and accessories in the car, and no flash photography. Thank you."

Welcome to my new blog! I hope everyone is as happy with it as I am. Without further ado, let's move on to the tour. Although it might be slightly unnecessary, I thought it would be a good introduction.

Look directly to your right at the top. There's where I've done my best to introduce myself. I tried my best to keep it succinct and true to myself, and I think I've done a pretty good idea. If you want to get to know me even better, look no further than my posts! I normally blog at least once a day, and most of the time, it's more than just a regurgitation of my day.

If you'll look just below the introduction, you'll find a quote that made up half of the inspiration for the title of this wonderful blog! Carl Sagan was an astronomer and writer. Frequently, his topic was religion. When asked about his personal religious beliefs, Mr. Sagan replied that he was Agnostic, claiming that an Atheist has to know a lot more than he does. The late Carl Sagan certainly inspires me. The other half of the inspiration for the blog came from the song "Imagine" by my favorite Beatle, John Lennon.

Looking below the quote, still on your right, you'll see the Imagination Archive. This is where you can find a direct link to every Imagine post. I do have to point something out here. Because of the move, the old posts aren't accurately archived. When combining the three blogs, I had to choose one of the three to add the other two to. I chose my "Dear Diary" page, which was the newest of the three. To make a long story short, any post that wasn't from "Dear Diary" is archived under July, even though I wrote many of them in June. Also, to add even more confusion, some of the diary entries for June are added under July! I wanted posts from the three blogs to be dispersed evenly, and I didn't even think about the fact that moving the June posts may lead to some slight embarrassment. I may get around to fixing it later on, but for right now this is how it'll have to stay.

Last but not least, underneath the Imagination Archive, you'll see my blogroll. These are blogs that I like, so hopefully you'll like them too!

Now, turn your attention to the middle column. This is the meat of the blog. All of my posts will appear right here. Posts will typically be one of three types. First, the fictional posts. I'm an aspiring writer, so I'll be using this blog to store some ideas. My works are all a work in progress, so none of them are complete yet. Second, you'll find diary posts. These are just accounts of my daily adventures and misadventures. Last, you'll find books, movies, and music that I like. Whenever I add on to a post, I'll move it up to the top of the list so that updates are easier to follow. Pay particular attention to my "Reading List" post. These are books that I want to read and want to buy! Feel free to read along with me or make suggestions of your own. I'll also be posting book reviews whenever I finish a book, so keep your eye out for that.

Well, readers. We've reached the end of our tour! Thank you so much for bearing with me, and I hope that you've found it to be helpful. Happy reading, and peace, and welcome to Imagine!

The Name of the Game

The name of the game is Ender's Game. That's the book I'm currently reading. It's ranked as the number one sci-fi of all time, which is pretty promising. I'll probably be spending quite a bit of my day reading. I'm feeling a lazy day.

Everyone Hates Me?

I had an absolutely terrible dream last night. I can honestly say it's the worst dream I've had as far as I can remember and it seemed so real. I was seriously relieved from the bottom of my heart when I woke up, it was that bad.

In my dream, everyone hated me. Well, not exactly everyone, I guess. I had one friend- she's not someone I know in real life, I don't know her name, and I've never seen her before- who didn't hate me. Everyone else hated me, and everyone made it completely clear. My skin was also breaking out really bad, the worst it's ever been. It seems really shallow, but it was horrible.

The best I can tell, it probably has something to do with the way I feel about myself right now. I'm just going to hold out and hope it passes, and I'm sure that it probably will. As hard I've been trying lately to be a more love-able person, this dream was pretty hard to stomach. Thank goodness it's over and I'm awake, that's all I've got to say.

The Catcher in the Rye

"Between innocence and maturity, an idol was born called cool."



This book just made my list. Apparently, the man who killed John Lennon read The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger right before he did so. Some people have even "quoted" him as saying, "You want to know why I killed John Lennon? Go read The Catcher in the Rye." This MAY be stretching it, but it's still enough to peak my curiosity.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This morning I woke up expecting another monotonous day at the Atlanta Apparel Mart with my dad. Fortunately for me, and him, my Aunt Sharon called and asked if I wanted to ride with her and my Moner to visit my (Great) Grandmother Ruth. I did, and it was really nice. I hardly ever get to see her, and even when I do, I'm normally at a huge family reunion where I barely get to say more to her than "Hi", "Bye", and "I love you".

We took her some lunch and went and picked up her groceries. When we got back from the grocery trip, we helped her to put them away and then just talked for a while. She is hilarious! She told us a story about when she was little that not even Moner and Sharon had heard before. She was about six and her mother sent her up to the store to buy some vinegar. It came in a HUGE glass container, so she was dragging it along on the ground as she trudged back home when one of her neighbors drove by. He had a car, one of the first she had seen, and offered to give her a lift the rest of the way home. As they drove along, she saw that he was passing the walkway that she had come down on, so she just jumped out because she was afraid he was going to just take her home with him! He stopped the car, got out and helped her get up and brush off her skinned up knees. Turns out, he was driving around to her families DRIVEWAY so he could visit with her parents for a while. To finish the story, Grandmother Ruth said, "I finished the day with skinned up knees and a whipping to top it off!" She had us all absolutely cracking up.

Now I'm at my Aunt Sharon's just hanging out until I figure out what I'm doing next. There's a potentially world record breaking concert being held pretty close by at The Red Rabbit Pub to benefit homeless children in the Atlanta area, so we may go to that for a little while, or we may just wait around for my dad.

My little sister got her license today in my car, and while at the DDS someone backed in to her. I'm kind of pissed, mainly because she didn't tell me when I talked to her earlier. Little pansy. Did I mention she DID pass, though? She didn't do the hitting! She took that out on the flower pots a couple of months ago.

Looking in the mirror today was discouraging. I wish people knew how I felt about myself, honestly. I'm really falling right now.

11:52 PM: I'm back, only now I'm at my dad's apartment. Home sweet home for the night. After my dad got to Sharon's house from work we decided to go see Toy Story 3, finally. I grew up with Andy, Andy grew up with me, and the class of 2010 graduated with Andy. It's special and it's sad. I got extremely teary eyed at the end, and I'm glad I saw it with my dad. We're not going to the concert tonight- and by tonight I mean four in the morning- but dad said we could go before it ends. I'm not totally sure I explained the concert very well. It lasts non-stop for two weeks. There can be no more than a minute and a half between bands. Cool, right? I really want to be a part of it, so hopefully I'll get the chance. Oh, also! I got a chance to hit up a Barnes and Noble! I got two new books! I'll update the reading list next and then I'm off to bed.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I lost my nose stud last night while I was asleep! This has been my worst fear since I got the piercing; every morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is check to see that the stud is still there. This morning, I checked and it was totally gone, without a trace. I poked an earring through it- bad idea, I know- so I know it's still open. The problem is that I've lost the stud, so I don't know what to put in it now. I'm down at work with my dad, so I'll probably check some of the jewelry places here for a stud I can buy really quick and hopefully the hole hasn't made any more steps toward closing up. I'm also going to try chamomile tea bags to heal it up more quickly. Hopefully this works, I'd love to have a nice, healed piercing soon.

Also, my yoga muscles have left me for dead. My back is killing me today and I have no shame in admitting that. It's going to take some serious commitment to get back in to a routine with all of this.

I just performed minor surgery on my nose in the bathroom. For anyone who has had a similar problem, I'm sorry. I remembered that I had a pair of earrings in my wallet, luckily, so I headed over to the bathroom to put one in as a temporary retainer. I washed my hands, pair of earrings, and nose with antibacterial soap and warm water. Next, I gently blotted my nose dry with a paper towel. I took a deep breath and slowly pushed the first earring through my nose from the outside. At this point, I was extremely glad that I remembered having the earrings in my wallet as I had some difficulty getting the earring all the way through. Next, I took the other earring and threaded it through from the inside, pushing the other one out. Now I have a pretty discrete retainer that'll hopefully do the trick until I can buy something more sufficient.

I'm effin' MacGyver.

Shopping list for tonight?

1. Plastic L stud. (Like one of the bio-flex ones.) I just feel like I'll have a smaller risk for infection this way, I'm allergic to a lot of metal.

2. Chamomile tea bags. I read today that boiling water, soaking a chamomile tea bag in it for about five minutes and then placing the tea bag on the piercing can help to aid the healing process.

3. Dial Foaming Anti-Bacterial Soap. I don't have any with me, and this seems to be just about the most gentle thing I can find as far as cleansing is concerned, so I'll have to try that.

I didn't find a plastic L stud, so I got a plastic "nose bone". Yeah, look that one up on Google Images. Ow. I like it though, once it's in. Going in, though, not totally painless. I got some tea bags as well, and some soap. Nose piercing, prepare to be healed.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Dearest online diary, I'm letting Jesus take the wheel, so to speak. I've decided officially that, on matters I can't control, I need to just back off and focus on things that I do have control over. It's completely out of my character, but I'm going to try my best. I finished Youth in Revolt today and got the review up, after some fervent reading all morning. I had a "me" day, and it felt pretty nice. I'm going to dad's in about an hour and a half and still don't have any word from Megan concerning whether or not I can pick up my no-longer-MIA secret bag. I left it at her house the last time I was there when it accidentally got pushed under her bed. I don't like calling it a make up bag, that makes it sound like I wear tons of make up. No, there are much more important things in that bag. I'm going to list a few goals for the rest of the summer and then move on to accomplishing one of them.

1. Get into a stronger running routine. I don't care if I have to drag my butt out of bed every single morning at the crack of dawn, three miles a week isn't cutting it.
2. Yoga daily, when possible. I liked doing yoga. Why did I stop?
3. Let go, focus on myself. After all, I'm the one who has to live with myself in the end.

Alright, I'm off to do some yoga now. Hopefully my muscles haven't totally lost their capability. We'll see, I guess.

Youth in Revolt- C.D. Payne

I'm legitimately sad that I’ve finished this book, and I'll sincerely miss Nick Twisp and all of his zainy misadventures in his early teen years.

"How cruel is the hand of time. Better to die young than witness such ravages."

"'Next week,' replied Lefty. 'Yes, Jim, next week I can trade you a Joe Jackson for a Bob Feller.'
'Maybe you'll have laid Millie Filbert by then.'
'Yes, Jim,' said Lefty, 'That would certainly be a great day in major league baseball.'"

"'Will I see you in class tomorrow, Nick?' Rhonda inquired coquettishly.
'If my brain tumor permits,' I sighed.
'Your brain tumor!' she exclaimed. 'I thought you said you were fine.'
'I am,' I replied. 'Except for my malignant brain tumor. It's the size of a grapefruit.'"

"Peals of laughter followed me out of the room. Now I understand why kids bring guns to school."

"'Joanie will want to see me now,' he said confidently. 'I've left my wife.'
'How fortunate for her,' said Francois. 'Your wife, I mean.'"

"God not listening as usual. Icy rain falling. Getting soaked through. No shelter. Teeth chattering. Spirits sinking."

"'You watch your smart mouth!'
I've heard that line before."

A Heart of a Different Hue

"I look inside myself and see my heart is black." Is it possible for a person to desire a miserable life for themselves? It seems it must be so. Something brilliant comes my way, I don't deserve it, so I push it away, let it go. Try not to hurt other people along the way- if I do, it just adds to the mounting evidence that I'm a terrible person. When all signs point to liar, cheater, self-centered manipulator it is certainly quite a bit easier to convince yourself that you don't deserve something.

From "The Hollow Men"- TS Eliot

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Self Destruction

Bum-bum-bum-bum.

Bryn Latrain's heartbeat thudded along at a steadily increasing pace in her ears.

Quatrain

Lamebrain

Yourinforpain

Lifeinthefastlane

GobacktoMaine

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Oh my goodness. Exactly a month from today I'll be moving in to Brumby Hall at The University of Georgia. It's coming up fast, as I was reminded last night by my best friend. We've decided what we're getting each other as a going away present, so I have a month to get up the money and actually go buy it:



Yay for Ugly Dolls! I've wanted one for a while, but I didn't want to get it for myself. This'll be much more fun. I'm running low on money, though, so we'll see when I actually buy it.

Totally unrelated, the ye old question: "Would you rather break someone's heart or have your own broken?" My answer to this has become clear over the past few days. I hate rejecting people, so in stead, I have a bad habit of leading them on. Case in point: Guy sends random Facebook message, girl answers (being polite), guys asks for number, girl gives number (being polite), guy asks girl on date, girl says "We'll see, I don't really know you" (being polite), guy texts girl next day, girl ignores (not so polite).

"You know I'd love you if I knew you'd let me down."

Monopocosm

Go to Hell. Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

If someone has a greedy, backstabbing, horrible side, Monopoly will bring it out. Monopoly is like a microcosm of the real world. A little game board world where the car runs over the dog, the cannon blasts a gaping hole in the battleship, and the people who only grow more vicious when they smell blood trample the weak- even if they were friends before the game started.